adjustment

I tried to find some zenful presence
in the dishwater
tried to focus on how I will miss these piles of their
dirty laundry when I am alone
alone (god I wish I were alone!)
but no, not then, I will not wish such things,
I will ache for you, gone,
trying to remember the feel of your inside out
shirt sleeves as I pull them
right side one by one by the week
by the month by the decade
but I cannot find
gratitude
in the crumbs of food after dinner
in the scraped plates
cannot fathom starvation
oh oprah ghandi solitary sherpa someone help me
scrub my way to enlightenment!
no, no these suds do not call to mind
salty foam brine between my toes as I felt
waves
carry everything away
castle
crumble
motherfucker do your own laundry
yes
I
love
you
and count my blessings like fallen buttons
with finger prick single blood drop sewn back on
but god help me some days
I want to lose them through cracks
excuse myself the step
introduce loss
drama
and I called for jesus too,
come kick my ass and he came
sure did not expect 70 mph
glass breaking bone breaking turn around
seat belt bruises small price for salvation
and still still all I can think today is
throw your own goddamn tea bag away
trash can is inches from the edge waiting
like a big mouth bitch waiting
for you to miss